Waves Are Crashing
Feb. 13th, 2011 03:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
samfrack Title: Waves Are Crashing
Rating: R
Pairing: Minjun
Genre: Angst
Word Count: 8,372
Summary: Hyungjun can't cope with the fear of losing Jungmin.
Author's Note: This took me over a month to write. I let coin flipper decide the ending. I may write a sequel, does anyone want one?
He traces contours and dips that weren’t there the last time they had so much time to spare. Frowning as the smoothness of the flesh is familiar but it was never this tight before. It doesn’t feel right. He’s not sure yet if he likes it or not but he knows it makes him uncomfortable. Wrinkling his nose Hyungjun raises his gaze to Jungmin’s face. The eye mask still remains in place but he knows by Jungmin’s parted lips that the other likely woke up the moment he walked into the room.
Hyungjun’s fingers roam up the expanse of Jungmin’s stomach, tracing a small circle around his belly button. He doesn’t stop even at the slight shudder that comes from the body below him. The white cotton shirt moves up along with Hyungjun’s hand leaving it under Jungmin’s throat. He moves up onto his knees to lean over and place kisses against Jungmin’s sternum. Brushing his lips against nipples pert from the touch of the bedroom’s cool air.
Jungmin shivers and Hyungjun moves down, dragging the shirt along. He leaves Jungmin’s stomach exposed as he lays his head against the dip. Fingers catching the waistband of flannel pajama bottoms. He brings them down enough to expose a bony hip and idly caresses it as he lays there.
Letting his eyes slide shut as he feels Jungmin’s long fingers work their way into his black hair. Strands slipping easily between the digits as Jungmin lazily drags them along. Hyungjun’s hand moving up Jungmin’s side to rest against prominent ribs. He presses his eye lids together to a point white lights burst behind them. He promised Jungmin he wouldn’t cry but it’s proving much easier said than done.
The stomach against his cheek growls and he moves as if to sit up but Jungmin’s hand on his shoulder keeps him down. Jungmin’s grip is not as strong as it used to be but Hyungjun pretends he is. Pretends that at any moment Jungmin can have the power to rip his hair out like he used to.
They lay still for so long that Jungmin’s relaxed breathing starts up again. It’s rare for him to be afforded the peace to sleep these days. Hyungjun really doesn’t want to disturb his rest but he knows Jungmin needs to get some food in him. Food that will hopefully stay down this time. He lets his eyes shut once more, Jungmin’s hand a warm weight against the side of his skull covering one ear. He feels the steady rhythms of Jungmin’s body against the other side. Pressing his eyes together once more, the tears want to come out so bad it hurts.
Ever since he walked through the front door he’s been holding them in. Jungmin’s place is like a cage apart from the rest of the world. It’s warm and inviting but once you get in it’s suffocating. Hyungjun wants to leave. Wants to run away and never look back but there’s one thing that keeps him there. The person who can no longer leave. He can’t take Jungmin out of his cage.
Watching him waste away is the hardest thing Hyungjun has ever had to do but he can’t stand the thought of Jungmin being all alone. He’s the only one strong enough to be here for all of this. To take care of Jungmin. The others all say the same thing, it’s not our responsibility. Hyungjun was so angry at them the first time they spoke in such a way but he understands it now. As he watches Jungmin get weaker each day he understands why they can’t sit at the edge of Jungmin’s bed. He knows they love Jungmin and they always will but they don’t want to see how much he’s changed.
Hyungjun has to put up with it. He loves Jungmin, more than he should really, so he won’t let him suffer alone. Yet it’s so hard not to cry. Jungmin made him promise he wouldn’t but it’s a promise he’ll have to break. Hyungjun has never been good at holding in his tears so he’s sure Jungmin won’t be surprised. The droplets slide down onto the pale stomach under his cheek. Jungmin stirs at the first touch of wetness. His fingers clenching in Hyungjun’s hair for a moment then releasing their grip. Soothing what he thinks might have been painful but to Hyungjun it was only a tickle.
It only makes him cry more. He almost wants Jungmin to beat him. To hit him like he used to in the past. To shout at him, call him a loser, anything. Anything to make this present situation unreal. Hyungjun had thought Jungmin was joking when he first found out but not even Jungmin would take a prank this far. This long. He’d get impatient, get bored and anticipate the sobbing Hyungjun would do once he found out he was fooled. It wasn’t like that. Hyungjun wishes it were.
Jungmin parts his lips as if he’s going to speak but no words come. No words have come out of his mouth for months now. Hyungjun misses the loud voice he once found so annoying. He turns to lightly press his face against Jungmin’s belly leaving trails of tears there. A small whine passes Jungmin’s mouth, it’s weak as if even that took more effort than he has the power to put forth.
Hyungjun moves back as Jungmin tries to sit up. Gentle kisses are placed all over his face once they get the right position. Jungmin and gentle was never something he thought to put together but he’s been like a docile kitten since Hyungjun unofficially moved in with him. It’s been two weeks since then. His clothes are strewn along the living room where he only slept for the first night. After that it was all crawling into Jungmin’s bed and holding heaving shoulders. Carrying him to the bathroom when his legs gave out under him. Rubbing his back when the nightmares became too much. It’s not that common though. Most times it’s Jungmin comforting him. Like now. Kissing him, holding him and nuzzling his hair to try and ease away the tears.
It makes no sense. Jungmin is the one constantly in pain, nauseous and often unable to sleep yet he comforts Hyungjun. Cuddles him and moves his lips against his cheek in a mockery of sweet nothings. Hyungjun hates it. He can’t provide the other anything but another burden to shoulders already carrying too much weight.
“Minnie…” He whispers softly and brushes his lips against Jungmin’s. Catching Jungmin’s hand before it can go to the eye mask he wore to sleep. Keeping it in place as he lays Jungmin back on the bed. Some days are good and some days are bad, lately the bad have been outweighing the good. Hyungjun doesn’t really know what to do anymore. Each day he’s forced to face the reality that Jungmin is not getting better. That he likely never will. He’s only going to get worse and worse. Hyungjun is going to lose him but each time the thought starts to sink in he banishes it. Refusing to believe it, even now as he sees the way Jungmin trembles. How his skin is far too stretched over the thick bone structure he’s always had.
The fingers that tangle in his hair as he nuzzles Jungmin’s stomach are far more frail than they once were. The hips he kisses too sharp as he exposes more and more flesh. Lips trailing down to thighs shaking and he’s sure it’s not for the promise of what he might do to Jungmin. His skin feels cold but sweat makes it damp. Hyungjun wishes his kisses could change all those things but no matter how much his lips trace Jungmin’s flesh there’s always less of it.
No matter how close he holds him to his body he knows soon his arms will have nothing to embrace. As he lifts Jungmin up from the bed and onto his lap he remembers days of Jungmin’s impatience. Of when taking it slow like this was not an option. Of being laughed at for trying to call it making love but now Jungmin likes this pace. He can keep up with it as his shirt is tossed aside. His pants and underwear already gone as he straddles Hyungjun’s lap. The differences in their weight is obvious. Hyungjun is now the thicker one with corded muscles defining his body. Jungmin is nothing but a skeleton holding onto it’s last bits of meat.
Even so Hyungjun still finds him beautiful. Maybe even more beautiful than he was in the past for the fact that he’s now so tragic. As his body warms with the pleasure he tries not to cry again. Trying to hold in the tears for Jungmin who weakly moans against his neck. Body rocking lightly but he can’t put in much more effort than that. Hyungjun can feel how his plump lips remain parted against his skin but he can’t bring himself to look at his face. It’s almost gaunt now, time will only take more of it away.
He can picture Jungmin’s flushed cheeks, his pink tongue wetting his lips and lashes against his cheeks. Hyungjun’s hand moves up, under the beanie Jungmin wears, and he nearly stops. Smooth skin there too. Jungmin tenses up and it makes Hyungjun shake. Hand coming to the back of Jungmin’s neck and pulling him back a little. Lips crashing together, tongues dancing in one another’s mouths. Jungmin tastes like medicine and carrot juice, the only things he manages to keep down these days.
There’s none of the sweetness and power his kisses used to hold. It’s all desperation, just like the way they hold onto time. So little of it left but they spend days like this trying to forget what’s really going on. Hyungjun turns his body to lightly press Jungmin onto the bed. Hands gripping quivering thighs at his sides as he moves his hips slowly back and forth. Jungmin’s nails digging into his back without the force it would take to break the skin. Hyungjun wants him to, he wants to have red lines all over his body.
Jungmin’s legs wrap tighter around his waist but the hold is still loose enough that it doesn’t hinder Hyungjun’s movements. He feels a familiar warmth against his belly as Jungmin’s body becomes tighter than he can bare. Grunting he presses deep into Jungmin and empties himself into him. Pressing his lips near Jungmin’s ear as he whispers his name.
Heaving chests pressing together as Hyungjun rolls over to let Jungmin lay over him. He knows the other can’t support his weight. The only sound between them for some time is their breathing, labored but slowly relaxing. Jungmin props himself up on one hand, the other going for the blind fold. It doesn’t even get all the way up before he rushes off the bed. Bony knees knocking together as he falls near the door way. Only making it that far before bile rises up from his empty stomach splashing against the floor and his skin.
“Minnie, I’m sorry.” Hyungjun can only rub Jungmin’s back and let him get it out. He doesn’t see the point in moving him yet when he knows it’s not over. The smell is terrible but Hyungjun is sad to admit he’s already use to it. At least this time Jungmin made it past the bed before the flood came out. Hyungjun picks him up like a bride, Jungmin doesn’t try to stop him like he used to in the past. At some point he became aware of how much he needed Hyungjun, fights became infrequent after that. Hyungjun longed for another fight between them. For Jungmin to call him a cry baby. To wake up to make-up on his face or Jungmin sitting over him holding a pillow above his head. Those things were never going to happen again.
Hyungjun knew they weren’t as he gently set Jungmin down on the closed toilet seat. Removing the sleeping mask and tossing it aside. He turned towards the water putting the tap on warm. Only when he looked back did their eyes lock, Hyungjun was frozen to his spot as those brown eyes glossy with unshed tears put their full focus on him. Jungmin didn’t need his voice to be able to communicate with Hyungjun. He perfectly understood what those eyes were asking of him. They had asked them many times before with the accompaniment of lips when they were able to.
“I can’t. I’m sorry, I can’t.” Jungmin sighs and lowers his head, moving shaking hands up to remove his beanie. There is a scarce scattering of black dots where hair tries to grow back. Hyungjun hopes to one day see a full head of hair on Jungmin again. To run his fingers through it, press his nose to a sweaty mane as Jungmin’s heaving back presses against his chest. Passionate and beautiful like he used to be not this thing on a toilet seat that claws at him as soon as he gets close.
Arms wrapping around Hyungjun’s waist as Jungmin looks up at him pitifully. Hyungjun knows that Jungmin is in pain. That even at times when he should feel rapture the pain is still there. Hyungjun bites on his bottom lip as he can feel Jungmin’s tears against his stomach. He rubs trembling shoulders and a back still wide despite the waning state of it’s owner. Leaning down to place gentle kisses on Jungmin’s bald head along scars that are only reminders of failed attempts to save Jungmin’s life.
“I won’t send you back to the hospital. Don’t worry. I promised I would stay with you and I will, Minnie. I won’t ever leave you.” Hyungjun slides down in Jungmin’s loose hold to wrap arms around him. The smell doesn’t bother him in the least even as he can feel the wetness of bile against his own skin. They stay together like that holding one another as the bath tub fills with water. Only when Jungmin’s sobs calm to sniffles does Hyungjun move to put the other into the water. Sliding down into it as well so Jungmin is sat in front of him, his own legs raised up to let the older male rest between them.
As he washes Jungmin he places kisses along his shoulders blades. Running a wash cloth along the front of the other’s body. He can hear his cell phone ring in the other room but he pays it no mind. Everything outside the bath tub doesn’t exist. His attention, affection and love are all for Jungmin, if only he’d told him before things became like this. They had played around so much. The bickering, the on and off room mate status but never had they told one another how they truly felt. Now Hyungjun feared it was too late. It’d just seem like empty pity now, insincere and that’s not what he wanted Jungmin to see their relationship as. If he stayed by his side maybe Jungmin would understand before time decided to take away whatever it was they had now.
The phone calls stopped coming after two weeks of going unanswered. Hyungjun reads news articles about appearances in Taiwan, dramas in Korea and the possibility of another album but he doesn’t understand it. Together forever five as one, that’s how it’s supposed to be but they won’t ever be five again. He sighs as he hears noises from the bedroom and gets to his feet. Leaving his tea on the coffee table as he wraps his scarf tighter.
He tip toes and comes to a stop at the door way looking into the room. Lowering his gaze as Jungmin staggers about the room. Black hair brushing against his bare shoulders as his hand meets with the wall. Rubbing it along the smooth surface as his lips purse and he makes sporadic motions with the other hand. Attempts at the sign language he learned when his voice abandoned him, it’s useless now that his sight abandoned him too. Hyungjun stands stiff as Jungmin comes closer. Bare feet sliding along the floor, his slippers kicked towards the closet.
Long fingers touch Hyungjun’s cheek, soon both hands are cupping them. Jungmin brings their foreheads together and takes a deep inhale. Hyungjun can still smell medicine from him but it’s only a hint now. It’s mostly detergent and soap he smells from the older man now. He lets his eyes slide shut as Jungmin’s lips run along his cheek, brushing the skin till they come to his ear. Nipping at the lobe and earning himself a soft exhale from Hyungjun. Jungmin wraps his arms around Hyungjun and the latter isn’t surprised to feel Jungmin’s legs come up around him shortly after. Hyungjun folds his arms under Jungmin’s rear and turns back into the living room.
Jungmin has become more affectionate than ever, locked away from the world as he is it doesn’t surprise Hyungjun. He can only hear and touch, those two things haven’t left him yet but Hyungjun is sure it’s only a matter of time. Jungmin may be outliving doctor’s expectations but he’s slowly degrading. Hyungjun can see how slow his movements are lately, how he sits lost at times. He’s fading, it’s a slow process but the Jungmin he knew is beginning to disappear.
He runs his fingers through black hair and kisses Jungmin’s forehead as they sit on the couch. Feeling fingers come up to his lips he nods his head. Soft notes falling from his lips against the elder’s ear. Rubbing small circles on Jungmin’s back ignoring how cool the other’s skin feels. Jungmin’s weight is easy to support, it’s almost like carrying a child.
“Jungmin-ah, are you hungry?” He can feel Jungmin nod against his cheek and stands with the other in his arms. Placing Jungmin down in a chair in the kitchen. Singing as he cooks so that Jungmin will know he’s not alone. As he promised Hyungjun won’t leave him. It’s been a little over a year now since Jungmin has left his apartment and Hyungjun still remains. Leaving only for necessities but always making sure not to take too long. Hyungjun knows how much Jungmin hates being alone.
He still recalls the day Jungmin awoke from a nap unable to see. Trying to scream but no sound coming out as he knocked over things in his bedroom. His foot still has a scar from stepping on the shards of a broken table lamp. Even then he hadn’t wanted to go to the hospital so Hyungjun’s haphazard stitching had to do. He’d been half afraid that Jungmin’s wound would become infected and that would be what killed him. Months later Jungmin was still breathing, only a mark on his foot that he often touched to remind him of that day.
Hyungjun wonders if Jungmin actually remembers things in sequence, if time really has any meaning to someone who’s perpetually in darkness. He tells Jungmin the days of the week, the date as often as he can but it doesn’t seem to matter to the other. All he does is sleep, eat, use the bathroom and crawl all over Hyungjun. He doesn’t even try walking to the front door of the apartment any more as if he’s given up on the idea that he’ll ever leave it.
When Hyungjun took him from the hospital, when Jungmin could still speak, he had told him he didn’t want to die there. He didn’t want to die in a sterile cage. Rotting away with other people. To Jungmin the hospital was the place that just said you’re going to die. A lonely, scary place where there was no Hyungjun to hold his hand. No family willing to visit, no friends, nothing but people paid to make him comfortable in his final moments. They didn’t care for him. Their might be the occasional fan changing his catheter and sucking her teeth at what a shame it was for one of her idols to end up this way. But there was no real love.
If the hospital was a cage then Jungmin’s apartment was a prison. One he had made for himself and Hyungjun. Even if he couldn’t see, he could still walk. Even if he couldn’t talk his body still moved but Jungmin would not leave the apartment. Hyungjun had tried when the waves of nausea became less frequent. When Jungmin was able to stand on his feet for more than an hour without his knees giving way. To him it seemed Jungmin was getting at least physically stronger while his mind was a different story.
He placed the soup down before Jungmin and sat back to watch the other search for the spoon. Moving forward only when Jungmin’s hand almost went into the hot bowl. He held it in his own two bringing it up to his lips to place kisses against the knuckles. Bringing a spoonful up to Jungmin’s waiting mouth as he kept one hand held in his own.
“Does it taste good?” Jungmin nods in response as he chews on the bits of vegetables mixed in with noodles. Hyungjun rarely gives him meat as that’s one of the things that still causes Jungmin to throw up. To make up for it he makes the other take iron and protein supplements. Hyungjun takes care of everything. He’s put his life on hold for Jungmin. No television appearances, ignoring offers for acting ventures, ignoring phone calls from Hyun Joong asking him why he’s wasting his life away. He hasn’t spoken to Young Saeng since the other’s emotional break down with the statement of why do you have to die too. The words echo in his head each day. Kyu Jong barely calls and when he does he never speaks about Jungmin. Instead he’ll tell Hyungjun about his day, about his future plans and laugh about old days. Hyungjun only answers phone calls from Kyu Jong now. He doesn’t even talk to his brother anymore unless Kibum calls about business.
His family thinks he’s wasting his life too. Kibum outright says it even though he can understand Hyungjun’s attachment for Jungmin but he doesn’t want his brother to suffer. His mother worries for both of them, for Hyungjun and Jungmin. She doesn’t want her son’s heart to shatter the way everyone knows it will when Jungmin finally does stop breathing. No one thinks he’ll live, Hyungjun is starting to agree with them as he watches Jungmin cough up the slightly orange tinged liquid that was the soup.
Hyungjun sighs, he figured two months of Jungmin not throwing up his food was too much of a blessing. He rubs Jungmin’s back as he refills the half empty bowl of soup.
“It’s all right.” But it’s not. Hyungjun doesn’t know what to do anymore. It’s as if some higher power is mocking him. Jungmin starts to get better and then he gets worse. It plays out like this over and over yet each time Hyungjun allows himself hope. To believe that Jungmin is coming back to him then it comes crashing down and the fragile creature is back. No hyperactive friend like he used to have in the past but a weak man that curls against him with a quivering body. Seeking warmth because his own body can’t produce heat like it used to.
Hyungjun will clean him up and press him still naked against his body. Wrapping a blanket around him as he sits up in Jungmin’s bed. Touching here and there gently but no longer attempting to make love to him like he used to. He doubts Jungmin can take it anymore. Even if he tried Jungmin would probably forget what they were doing. He’s losing him and each day starts to ingrain that message more and more in his head.
The phone rings, the phone calls have started again. Hyungjun sighs as he stares at the wall in front of him in the dark. Jungmin snoring against his chest as he’s curled up on his lap with only a blanket to cover his nudity. Hyungjun’s arm wrapped securely around his far too thin body and chin on top of his head. By the ring tone Hyungjun knows who’s calling. He’s too tired to ignore it this time. Kyu Jong’s jokes won’t help and it’s about time he sobers up to reality.
Carefully he reaches over to take the phone from the night stand. Sliding his finger along the screen to answer it and putting it to his ear. He’s greeted with a sigh of relief and the whispers of a familiar lazy voice. Hyungjun’s rubs his nose against black strands as reality speaks into his ear in soft yet harsh tones. Letting the other talk because he’s sure he won’t get a word in even if he tries to speak. Waiting till finally only the sound of breathing comes from the other end.
“I promised him. I can’t. I’m sorry hyung but I can’t.” With that he hangs up, staring at the phone and replaying the conversation. It rings again in his hand but this time he chooses not to answer. Instead he turns off the phone and puts it under the pillow behind him. Hyungjun’s not ready yet to face the truth.
Hyungjun wakes up with his arms empty and panics. The blankets are cold, Jungmin has been gone from the bed for a long time. Hyungjun quickly rises up racing out of the room expecting to find the other dead in a corner somewhere. It wouldn’t be the first time Jungmin took too many of his pills by accident. Hyungjun had forced him to puke them up in time the last time but this time he’s not sure. His worries are put elsewhere when he finds Jungmin sitting on the couch but he’s not alone.
Even with the male’s back to him Hyungjun knows who the other person is. He purposefully steps on one of the floor boards that tends to creak as he moves closer to the pair. Hyun Joong turns to face him, his hair almost as long as Jungmin’s tied only at the back while fringe frames his face. He looks good. Cheeks full and eyes focused, well as focused as Hyun Joong can be. There’s only a hint of stubble along his upper lip but it seems intentional.
“Sit down.” His voice still holds the same power it did when they were all in a dorm and he was there leader. Even so Hyungjun doesn’t do as he’s commanded to. He shakes his head and crosses his arms over his chest.
“What are you doing here?”
“Jungmin let me in.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“He needs to be in the hospital.”
“No.” Hyungjun only looks at Hyun Joong when he speaks. Jungmin has become part of the background. He steps closer and glares down at the older man. “Don’t come in here acting like you care now, hyung. You were the one ignoring him as if he stopped existing the moment he was diagnosed. I’ve been the one here for the three years he’s been suffering. I was the one going back and forth from the hospital, home and work. Killing myself just so he would know that he wasn’t alone. Where the fuck were you? Doing television shows and creating scandals. You still haven’t changed. People are just a means to success to you. You use them till they become a burden!” Hyungjun didn’t see the way Jungmin flinched at the last word.
“So you think you’re doing the right thing? You think this is what he wants? For everyone’s life to stop because he’s dying? That’s what Jungmin is going to remember.” Hyun Joong stands up so they’re eye to eye now. Jungmin puts his feet up on the couch and lowers his head onto raised knees.
“What do you know about caring for someone? What was that girl’s name… ah it’s impossible to know since you go through them so fast. You don’t know how to love anybody. You don’t know what it’s like to take care of someone when they need you.”
“But you’re not giving him what he needs. If you’d take him to the hospital they could…”
“And let him go through that pain again?! You weren’t there! You didn’t see him going crazy in that hospital! You didn’t see what the chemo did to him! Just look at how thin he is now, this is after I helped him gain weight. What did you do, hyung? Huh?” Hyunjun places his hands against Hyun Joong’s chest, shoving back till the elder falls back on the couch. “What happened to together forever five as one? You ignored my calls in the beginning. Didn’t answer anyone! Do you think I want to watch someone I love dying all alone? I’m so fucking scared and all you can do is tell me what I’m doing wrong! Jungmin is going to die and I can’t do anything but watch!”
The tears are falling down his cheeks before he can control it. Breaking his promise not to cry again as he lets himself flop down onto the floor. Pressing his hands to his face expecting Hyun Joong to give some biting retort but he gets none. They sit in silence for some time.
“I asked him if he wants to go the hospital already.” Hyungjun raises his head slowly to look at Hyun Joong. “He nodded.” Only now does Hyungjun notice that Jungmin is fully dressed and not just in pajamas as it’s been for the last year. In actual clothes. All of it too loose on him when it once hugged his body. Jungmin keeps his head lowered as Hyun Joong stands to get their shoes from the foyer.
“Minnie…” Hyungjun crawls over to the other trying to take one of his hands but Jungmin keeps it close to his body. “Please, I can keep my promise.” Jungmin shakes his head no and slowly raises his head to look at the other. Hyungjun is shocked to see the tears on Jungmin’s face but he doesn’t have time to question them as Hyun Joong shoves him aside. Hyungjun remains on the floor just watching as Hyun Joong puts Jungmin’s shoes on. Zipping up the boots on the side after making sure Jungmin’s pants were properly tucked into them. He even helps the younger man onto his feet and puts his coat on him.
They leave without a word to him. Hyungjun sits on the floor long enough for his legs to go numb and it’s only the ringing of the door bell that moves him. Jumping to his feet he runs over to it and throws the door open without looking through the peep hole. Dreams of Jungmin changing his mind half way to the hospital dashed as Kibum stares back at him.
“Mom wants you to come home.” Hyungjun nods and steps aside to let Kibum in. He watches his younger brother frown as he moves around the apartment. Light bulbs needed to be replaced, floors swept and laundry picked up and washed but Hyungjun had neglected all of that. He’d much rather have spent his days cuddled up to Jungmin who barely felt the touch anymore. Feeding Jungmin, bathing Jungmin and singing to Jungmin.
Kibum moves over to the rabbits in their cage putting a hand against it. They’re well fed and the cage is clean. Jungmin would have had a fit if Hyungjun neglected them. Kibum turns to look at Hyungjun.
“We should probably take them with us.” Hyungjun nods; they go about collecting some of his clothes. Hyungjun sneaks a few of Jungmin’s things into his bags. A false hope that eventually the other will come look for him. Kibum carries the rabbit cage as they head down to his waiting car. Hyungjun tossing his luggage into the trunk while Kibum settles the rabbits on the back seat.
It’s the first time he’s gone outside while the sun was still out in a long time. Hyungjun takes a deep inhale of the clean air and looks around. His eyes falling back to the building that’s suffocated him and Jungmin for so long. Kibum’s hand comes down heavy on his back but in Kibum’s world it’s a tender touch.
“Choco missed you.” Hyungjun knows that means Kibum missed him but nods anyway. He gets into the passenger’s seat and leans back, letting his eyes slide shut. The radio plays quiet tunes between them as Kibum drives. He goes right into his room when they get home bypassing his mother and Choco jumping around his legs. Dropping down onto the bed and praying he’ll wake up in a room that smells of medicine and sweat. With his arms full of the source and black hair tickling the stubble against his chin.
He doesn’t. It’s his mother sitting on the edge of his bed crying that wakes him in the morning. Hyungjun has no words to comfort her. He’s giving away too many of them to Jungmin to know what to say to her now. Instead he just sits up and holds her. Lightly patting her back as he lets her wet his shirt. Take away the scent of Jungmin that still clings to it.
They don’t speak about his absence at home, his sudden hiatus in the music business or any of it for a few weeks. Hyungjun is trying hard to adjust to being back at home but he can’t. He tried to visit Jungmin in the hospital after Kyu Jong accidentally slipped up and told him where the other was. Every time he’s been refused. Jungmin refuses to see him. He’s the only person Jungmin won’t see. Hyungjun can’t take it and eventually breaks down and begs Kibum to go. Hyungjun is forced to promise he’ll speak with his manager about resuming activities in exchange.
He fears the worst as he sits waiting outside of the hospital. Biting his nails and contemplating trying to just con his way into Jungmin’s hospital room. Kibum’s been gone for an hour. He doesn’t know why it’s taking so long. Jungmin must be dead. He’s gone. He wasn’t even there to hold his hand. Hyungjun steps out of the car and starts pacing around it. An hour later Kibum finally appears.
“What happened?” Hyungjun doesn’t like the grim expression on Kibum’s face. His brother is known for playing cruel pranks but this would be too far for even Kibum wouldn’t it?
“They’re going to operate on him next week. He’s being discharged till the scheduled operation date.” Kibum steps aside and Hyungjun looks behind him, Jungmin stands at the exit of the hospital holding onto a nurse’s arm. “He wants to stay with us till then.” Kibum shrugs and gets into the car knowing that Hyungjun is no longer listening to him.
The few weeks apart have changed Jungmin more than he expected. The other’s skin has a healthy flush to it. His lips don’t look as pale as they did in the confines of his bedroom. His grip is even a bit stronger on Hyungjun’s arm when he’s finally close enough for Jungmin to grab him. The nurse looks between the two of them then heads back inside. Hyungjun pulls Jungmin against his body holding him close to his chest. He can feel the other breathing against him and buries his face in Jungmin’s hair. It smells like cheap shampoo but it’s enough to comfort Hyungjun.
Hyungjun pulls back to place kisses on Jungmin’s cheeks not stopping even when Jungmin pushes him away. Kibum honks the horn and Hyungjun chuckles. He couldn’t even handle three weeks without Jungmin. If it’s like that how can he handle a life without him? Hyungjun already knows that he can’t so he keeps hoping that the next time he has to come to the hospital for Jungmin it’ll be the last time. It’ll be with doctors patting Jungmin on the back and telling him to live a full life. Of the years he has ahead of him. Years that Hyungjun will fill with the romantic trips he’s wanted to take but was always too afraid of Jungmin making fun of him for suggesting them. He’s not going to be afraid. He’ll take Jungmin on a cruise, a Paris dinner, a walk on the beach during sunset and sunrise because they’ll end up waking there after rolling around in the sand together.
Hyungjun wants to do all those things with Jungmin and he’s sure he will. As he sits in the back seat holding Jungmin he dreams of all the places he’ll take him. Of all the memories they’ll make together. Pushing away that negative part of him that says they’re only dreams. That when Jungmin comes to the hospital again it’ll be the last time they see each other.
Kibum drops them off at Jungmin’s apartment knowing without Hyungjun even having to say it that he wants to be alone with Jungmin. They wouldn’t be able to get that at their house. Hyungjun’s mother would fuss even more over Jungmin than Hyungjun does. He gets it from somewhere after all.
With a nod of his head to his brother Kibum drives away. Hyungjun takes Jungmin’s hand and guides him into the building. The door barely closes behind them when Jungmin turns and pushes him against the floor. Straddling Hyungjun’s hips as he forces the other’s arms above his head. Holding down Hyungjun’s wrists as he captures his lips hungrily. Not pulling away till the need to breathe presents itself.
Jungmin nibbles on Hyungjun’s neck as the other groans under him. He drags kisses along his skin as he releases one wrist to pull up Hyungjun’s shirt. It’s almost like it was in the past. Hyungjun wants so badly to grab at Jungmin and flip him over, take him right there on the floor but he wants to see how far Jungmin will take things. If he really has the strength to handle him as roughly as he did in the past.
His breath hitches as Jungmin moves down to intentionally press his weight down on Hyungjun’s groin. Thrusting his hips up as if he can get past Jungmin’s pants and underwear if he pushes hard enough. He’s rewarded with Jungmin grinding down against him as the older male leans back to remove his shirt. Tossing it aside as Hyungjun’s free hands come up to touch him but Jungmin bats them away. Hyungjun’s eyes going wide as he looks at Jungmin.
“Minnie…” Jungmin doesn’t seem to want him to speak either as his lips once again collide with Hyungjun’s mouth. Hand fumbling between them till it comes into Hyungjun’s pants. He groans into Jungmin’s mouth as slender fingers wrap around his hardness. His finger tips just barely manage to touch Jungmin’s scalp when the hand is slammed down onto the floor.
Jungmin makes light work of Hyungjun’s clothes, shoving away hands any time they try to help him. Hyungjun is reminded of quickies backstage and nights of trying to be quiet in the dorms. Of when they shared a room and Jungmin would try to see how loud he could get Hyungjun to be. It’s as if nothing has changed between them. Like they’ve gone back to those days when holding Jungmin didn’t mean fearing hurting him.
Hyungjun can’t manage to hold onto his thoughts when Jungmin’s mouth comes around throbbing flesh. His hips don’t get the chance to raise off the floor as Jungmin’s hands hold him down. He feels one move off his body but doesn’t bother to watch for where it goes too focused on what Jungmin’s mouth is doing to him. Swallowing him whole without issue like he used to do. Hyungjun is ready to explode already but Jungmin still knows his body well as he pulls away. Licking his swollen lips as he climbs back up over Hyungjun’s lap.
Hyungjun barely manages to keep from flailing as the tight heat of Jungmin’s body encompasses him. Moving his hands down to bony hips and sighing in relief as they’re allowed to stay. Unable to take his eyes of Jungmin’s pleased expression. Watching the other move up and down slowly on his body. It’s not enough and too much all at once.
Hyungjun can only gasp and stare into the eyes that lock on his. Jungmin’s swallowing him with his gaze just as much as with his body. He groans and thrusts his hips up. Planting his feet on the floor for leverage as Jungmin meets the motion. Hips colliding against one another as they go at it on the floor like crazed animals.
Neither can remember how they went from nearby the door to the back of the couch. Hyungjun’s back is red and slick from sliding along the floor and Jungmin looks beyond happy. They both laugh breathlessly and refuse to part despite the cooling of sweat and stickiness that taints their skin.
Hyungjun grabs a blanket off the back of the couch and lays it over them as Jungmin makes himself comfortable on his chest. Sleeping there and waking later to do it all over again. They eat, fuck and sleep for the entire week Jungmin is out of the hospital. Hyungjun refuses to get up the day of his surgery. Staying curled in bed and clinging to Jungmin’s naked body.
Placing kisses on bony shoulders as loud knocks echo in the apartment. He won’t answer the door and though Jungmin hears it he won’t move either. The banging becomes louder and Hyungjun nuzzles the back of Jungmin’s head. Burying his nose in hair that smells of their passion. Grinning into it as he sits up to roll Jungmin over. Moving over the other and leaning down to press his lips to his.
“No time for that, he needs to go.” Hyun Joong doesn’t even look at the pair as he picks up clothes from the floor. It doesn’t matter what belongs to who as long as Jungmin is leaving the apartment wearing something.
Like the last time Hyungjun only watches them go. Sitting himself at the couch as Hyun Joong crouches down in front of Jungmin to tie the laces of his boots. Pulling a jacket on the other even though a summer breeze comes into the apartment.
Jungmin turns to look in Hyungjun’s direction and though Hyungjun knows he can’t see it he smiles. Jungmin smiles back and for a moment Hyungjun thinks everything will be all right. Jungmin will be operated on today and tomorrow he’ll be speaking. He’ll want Hyungjun to be the first person he talks to. The first person he sees when the pressure on his brain goes away and all his functions return.
They’ll smile like idiots and try to make love on a hospital bed while Hyun Joong and Kibum try not to puke. It’ll be beautiful. Jungmin nods his head and moves out the door with Hyun Joong. Even blind his eyes can still say so many things to Hyungjun. He stands and starts to clean the apartment pretending not to have seen the fear in Jungmin’s eyes.
No one will tell him hours later how the surgery went. Hyun Joong avoids his calls, Kibum’s phone is off and he’s not desperate enough to try the others yet. He flops down onto Jungmin’s bed, having made it sixteen times in the last hour. Mussing up his hair and looking around.
He can’t take it anymore. Hyungjun grabs his jacket off the couch and heads to the front door. Sliding his feet into worn in sneakers as he yanks the front door open but stops dead in his tracks. Hyun Joong stares at him, his face it’s usual unreadable mask.
“Who’s at the hospital with him?” Hyun Joong doesn’t reply and just turns to walk away. Hyungjun doesn’t like how fast the other is walking. Something is wrong but he can’t bring himself to voice the question. Can’t bring himself to ask why Jungmin was left alone at the hospital because he knows Hyun Joong wouldn’t call anyone else to be with him.
He gulps down his nervousness and fear as he follows the silent male. Jacket clutched in his hand as he climbs down the stairs. It’s really too warm for a jacket. He tosses it into the back seat of Hyun Joong’s car after the other unlocks the door and slides into the passenger’s seat.
So many things he wants to ask but the possible answers leave his hands shaking. They’re not driving to the hospital. Hyungjun has been there so many times that he knows Hyun Joong was supposed to make a right when he took a left. It only makes him more nervous. They pull up to a drive through and Hyungjun can only stare at the other.
“I’m hungry.” Hyungjun holds in the urge to punch Hyun Joong as the male leans over to order himself some food. Hyungjun grips his pant legs and just waits. Relieved when the car starts up again and ignoring Hyungjun’s offer of some fries.
They finally arrive at the hospital and Hyungjun all but runs out of the car. Forced to wait for Hyun Joong who knows where they’re head as he taps his feet on the floor. He grabs the older male’s arm as soon as he comes in.
Jungmin must be all right. Hyun Joong wouldn’t have stopped for food if something went wrong. Once Hyun Joong tells him the room number he’s off again. Sliding open the door to Jungmin’s room, shocked to see Kyu Jong and Young Saeng already there.
“Five as one right?” Hyun Joong smiles as he moves past him into the room. Hyungjun can only nod as he moves towards the bed where Jungmin is sitting up. Bandages around his head and an IV in his arm but he doesn’t look bad for someone who just had their skull open. Jungmin gestures with one hand for the others to leave.
“Sorry.” Young Saeng mutters the words as he moves past Hyungjun. Kyu Jong echoing the same until all three are gone. Hyungjun turns his attention to Jungmin and moves over to the bed holding the older male’s hand. Jungmin opens his mouth and Hyungjun leans closer expecting sweet things to fall from lips that haven’t said anything in so long. Jungmin coughs into his hand and pulls Hyungjun a little closer. Lips brushing against Hyungjun’s ear as he attempts to speak.
“You smell.” The words are barely a whisper but Hyungjun understands them clearly. The smile on his face falters and he moves back to look at Jungmin. Tears wlling up in his eyes as he wraps his arms around the other.
“I love you too.” He’s sobbing against Jungmin’s shoulder as the other wrinkles his nose. Trying to express that Hyungjun really does smell but his voice can’t be heard over the crying so he gives up. Sitting there and letting Hyungjun hold him as he knows the other needs to.
Visiting hours in Jungmin’s room are loud. Hyungjun’s voice above all the others as he tells them about how cute Jungmin was all those days they were alone. How they’re all going to be on stage together once Jungmin can do more than sneer and hiss at them. Everything is turning out all right. Jungmin is in recovery and they’re all together again.
When Hyungjun leaves the hospital he smiles knowing he’ll never have to come back to this place. Once Jungmin is discharged he’ll never have to come back. Jungmin is never discharged. Hyungjun never comes back.
Rating: R
Pairing: Minjun
Genre: Angst
Word Count: 8,372
Summary: Hyungjun can't cope with the fear of losing Jungmin.
Author's Note: This took me over a month to write. I let coin flipper decide the ending. I may write a sequel, does anyone want one?
He traces contours and dips that weren’t there the last time they had so much time to spare. Frowning as the smoothness of the flesh is familiar but it was never this tight before. It doesn’t feel right. He’s not sure yet if he likes it or not but he knows it makes him uncomfortable. Wrinkling his nose Hyungjun raises his gaze to Jungmin’s face. The eye mask still remains in place but he knows by Jungmin’s parted lips that the other likely woke up the moment he walked into the room.
Hyungjun’s fingers roam up the expanse of Jungmin’s stomach, tracing a small circle around his belly button. He doesn’t stop even at the slight shudder that comes from the body below him. The white cotton shirt moves up along with Hyungjun’s hand leaving it under Jungmin’s throat. He moves up onto his knees to lean over and place kisses against Jungmin’s sternum. Brushing his lips against nipples pert from the touch of the bedroom’s cool air.
Jungmin shivers and Hyungjun moves down, dragging the shirt along. He leaves Jungmin’s stomach exposed as he lays his head against the dip. Fingers catching the waistband of flannel pajama bottoms. He brings them down enough to expose a bony hip and idly caresses it as he lays there.
Letting his eyes slide shut as he feels Jungmin’s long fingers work their way into his black hair. Strands slipping easily between the digits as Jungmin lazily drags them along. Hyungjun’s hand moving up Jungmin’s side to rest against prominent ribs. He presses his eye lids together to a point white lights burst behind them. He promised Jungmin he wouldn’t cry but it’s proving much easier said than done.
The stomach against his cheek growls and he moves as if to sit up but Jungmin’s hand on his shoulder keeps him down. Jungmin’s grip is not as strong as it used to be but Hyungjun pretends he is. Pretends that at any moment Jungmin can have the power to rip his hair out like he used to.
They lay still for so long that Jungmin’s relaxed breathing starts up again. It’s rare for him to be afforded the peace to sleep these days. Hyungjun really doesn’t want to disturb his rest but he knows Jungmin needs to get some food in him. Food that will hopefully stay down this time. He lets his eyes shut once more, Jungmin’s hand a warm weight against the side of his skull covering one ear. He feels the steady rhythms of Jungmin’s body against the other side. Pressing his eyes together once more, the tears want to come out so bad it hurts.
Ever since he walked through the front door he’s been holding them in. Jungmin’s place is like a cage apart from the rest of the world. It’s warm and inviting but once you get in it’s suffocating. Hyungjun wants to leave. Wants to run away and never look back but there’s one thing that keeps him there. The person who can no longer leave. He can’t take Jungmin out of his cage.
Watching him waste away is the hardest thing Hyungjun has ever had to do but he can’t stand the thought of Jungmin being all alone. He’s the only one strong enough to be here for all of this. To take care of Jungmin. The others all say the same thing, it’s not our responsibility. Hyungjun was so angry at them the first time they spoke in such a way but he understands it now. As he watches Jungmin get weaker each day he understands why they can’t sit at the edge of Jungmin’s bed. He knows they love Jungmin and they always will but they don’t want to see how much he’s changed.
Hyungjun has to put up with it. He loves Jungmin, more than he should really, so he won’t let him suffer alone. Yet it’s so hard not to cry. Jungmin made him promise he wouldn’t but it’s a promise he’ll have to break. Hyungjun has never been good at holding in his tears so he’s sure Jungmin won’t be surprised. The droplets slide down onto the pale stomach under his cheek. Jungmin stirs at the first touch of wetness. His fingers clenching in Hyungjun’s hair for a moment then releasing their grip. Soothing what he thinks might have been painful but to Hyungjun it was only a tickle.
It only makes him cry more. He almost wants Jungmin to beat him. To hit him like he used to in the past. To shout at him, call him a loser, anything. Anything to make this present situation unreal. Hyungjun had thought Jungmin was joking when he first found out but not even Jungmin would take a prank this far. This long. He’d get impatient, get bored and anticipate the sobbing Hyungjun would do once he found out he was fooled. It wasn’t like that. Hyungjun wishes it were.
Jungmin parts his lips as if he’s going to speak but no words come. No words have come out of his mouth for months now. Hyungjun misses the loud voice he once found so annoying. He turns to lightly press his face against Jungmin’s belly leaving trails of tears there. A small whine passes Jungmin’s mouth, it’s weak as if even that took more effort than he has the power to put forth.
Hyungjun moves back as Jungmin tries to sit up. Gentle kisses are placed all over his face once they get the right position. Jungmin and gentle was never something he thought to put together but he’s been like a docile kitten since Hyungjun unofficially moved in with him. It’s been two weeks since then. His clothes are strewn along the living room where he only slept for the first night. After that it was all crawling into Jungmin’s bed and holding heaving shoulders. Carrying him to the bathroom when his legs gave out under him. Rubbing his back when the nightmares became too much. It’s not that common though. Most times it’s Jungmin comforting him. Like now. Kissing him, holding him and nuzzling his hair to try and ease away the tears.
It makes no sense. Jungmin is the one constantly in pain, nauseous and often unable to sleep yet he comforts Hyungjun. Cuddles him and moves his lips against his cheek in a mockery of sweet nothings. Hyungjun hates it. He can’t provide the other anything but another burden to shoulders already carrying too much weight.
“Minnie…” He whispers softly and brushes his lips against Jungmin’s. Catching Jungmin’s hand before it can go to the eye mask he wore to sleep. Keeping it in place as he lays Jungmin back on the bed. Some days are good and some days are bad, lately the bad have been outweighing the good. Hyungjun doesn’t really know what to do anymore. Each day he’s forced to face the reality that Jungmin is not getting better. That he likely never will. He’s only going to get worse and worse. Hyungjun is going to lose him but each time the thought starts to sink in he banishes it. Refusing to believe it, even now as he sees the way Jungmin trembles. How his skin is far too stretched over the thick bone structure he’s always had.
The fingers that tangle in his hair as he nuzzles Jungmin’s stomach are far more frail than they once were. The hips he kisses too sharp as he exposes more and more flesh. Lips trailing down to thighs shaking and he’s sure it’s not for the promise of what he might do to Jungmin. His skin feels cold but sweat makes it damp. Hyungjun wishes his kisses could change all those things but no matter how much his lips trace Jungmin’s flesh there’s always less of it.
No matter how close he holds him to his body he knows soon his arms will have nothing to embrace. As he lifts Jungmin up from the bed and onto his lap he remembers days of Jungmin’s impatience. Of when taking it slow like this was not an option. Of being laughed at for trying to call it making love but now Jungmin likes this pace. He can keep up with it as his shirt is tossed aside. His pants and underwear already gone as he straddles Hyungjun’s lap. The differences in their weight is obvious. Hyungjun is now the thicker one with corded muscles defining his body. Jungmin is nothing but a skeleton holding onto it’s last bits of meat.
Even so Hyungjun still finds him beautiful. Maybe even more beautiful than he was in the past for the fact that he’s now so tragic. As his body warms with the pleasure he tries not to cry again. Trying to hold in the tears for Jungmin who weakly moans against his neck. Body rocking lightly but he can’t put in much more effort than that. Hyungjun can feel how his plump lips remain parted against his skin but he can’t bring himself to look at his face. It’s almost gaunt now, time will only take more of it away.
He can picture Jungmin’s flushed cheeks, his pink tongue wetting his lips and lashes against his cheeks. Hyungjun’s hand moves up, under the beanie Jungmin wears, and he nearly stops. Smooth skin there too. Jungmin tenses up and it makes Hyungjun shake. Hand coming to the back of Jungmin’s neck and pulling him back a little. Lips crashing together, tongues dancing in one another’s mouths. Jungmin tastes like medicine and carrot juice, the only things he manages to keep down these days.
There’s none of the sweetness and power his kisses used to hold. It’s all desperation, just like the way they hold onto time. So little of it left but they spend days like this trying to forget what’s really going on. Hyungjun turns his body to lightly press Jungmin onto the bed. Hands gripping quivering thighs at his sides as he moves his hips slowly back and forth. Jungmin’s nails digging into his back without the force it would take to break the skin. Hyungjun wants him to, he wants to have red lines all over his body.
Jungmin’s legs wrap tighter around his waist but the hold is still loose enough that it doesn’t hinder Hyungjun’s movements. He feels a familiar warmth against his belly as Jungmin’s body becomes tighter than he can bare. Grunting he presses deep into Jungmin and empties himself into him. Pressing his lips near Jungmin’s ear as he whispers his name.
Heaving chests pressing together as Hyungjun rolls over to let Jungmin lay over him. He knows the other can’t support his weight. The only sound between them for some time is their breathing, labored but slowly relaxing. Jungmin props himself up on one hand, the other going for the blind fold. It doesn’t even get all the way up before he rushes off the bed. Bony knees knocking together as he falls near the door way. Only making it that far before bile rises up from his empty stomach splashing against the floor and his skin.
“Minnie, I’m sorry.” Hyungjun can only rub Jungmin’s back and let him get it out. He doesn’t see the point in moving him yet when he knows it’s not over. The smell is terrible but Hyungjun is sad to admit he’s already use to it. At least this time Jungmin made it past the bed before the flood came out. Hyungjun picks him up like a bride, Jungmin doesn’t try to stop him like he used to in the past. At some point he became aware of how much he needed Hyungjun, fights became infrequent after that. Hyungjun longed for another fight between them. For Jungmin to call him a cry baby. To wake up to make-up on his face or Jungmin sitting over him holding a pillow above his head. Those things were never going to happen again.
Hyungjun knew they weren’t as he gently set Jungmin down on the closed toilet seat. Removing the sleeping mask and tossing it aside. He turned towards the water putting the tap on warm. Only when he looked back did their eyes lock, Hyungjun was frozen to his spot as those brown eyes glossy with unshed tears put their full focus on him. Jungmin didn’t need his voice to be able to communicate with Hyungjun. He perfectly understood what those eyes were asking of him. They had asked them many times before with the accompaniment of lips when they were able to.
“I can’t. I’m sorry, I can’t.” Jungmin sighs and lowers his head, moving shaking hands up to remove his beanie. There is a scarce scattering of black dots where hair tries to grow back. Hyungjun hopes to one day see a full head of hair on Jungmin again. To run his fingers through it, press his nose to a sweaty mane as Jungmin’s heaving back presses against his chest. Passionate and beautiful like he used to be not this thing on a toilet seat that claws at him as soon as he gets close.
Arms wrapping around Hyungjun’s waist as Jungmin looks up at him pitifully. Hyungjun knows that Jungmin is in pain. That even at times when he should feel rapture the pain is still there. Hyungjun bites on his bottom lip as he can feel Jungmin’s tears against his stomach. He rubs trembling shoulders and a back still wide despite the waning state of it’s owner. Leaning down to place gentle kisses on Jungmin’s bald head along scars that are only reminders of failed attempts to save Jungmin’s life.
“I won’t send you back to the hospital. Don’t worry. I promised I would stay with you and I will, Minnie. I won’t ever leave you.” Hyungjun slides down in Jungmin’s loose hold to wrap arms around him. The smell doesn’t bother him in the least even as he can feel the wetness of bile against his own skin. They stay together like that holding one another as the bath tub fills with water. Only when Jungmin’s sobs calm to sniffles does Hyungjun move to put the other into the water. Sliding down into it as well so Jungmin is sat in front of him, his own legs raised up to let the older male rest between them.
As he washes Jungmin he places kisses along his shoulders blades. Running a wash cloth along the front of the other’s body. He can hear his cell phone ring in the other room but he pays it no mind. Everything outside the bath tub doesn’t exist. His attention, affection and love are all for Jungmin, if only he’d told him before things became like this. They had played around so much. The bickering, the on and off room mate status but never had they told one another how they truly felt. Now Hyungjun feared it was too late. It’d just seem like empty pity now, insincere and that’s not what he wanted Jungmin to see their relationship as. If he stayed by his side maybe Jungmin would understand before time decided to take away whatever it was they had now.
The phone calls stopped coming after two weeks of going unanswered. Hyungjun reads news articles about appearances in Taiwan, dramas in Korea and the possibility of another album but he doesn’t understand it. Together forever five as one, that’s how it’s supposed to be but they won’t ever be five again. He sighs as he hears noises from the bedroom and gets to his feet. Leaving his tea on the coffee table as he wraps his scarf tighter.
He tip toes and comes to a stop at the door way looking into the room. Lowering his gaze as Jungmin staggers about the room. Black hair brushing against his bare shoulders as his hand meets with the wall. Rubbing it along the smooth surface as his lips purse and he makes sporadic motions with the other hand. Attempts at the sign language he learned when his voice abandoned him, it’s useless now that his sight abandoned him too. Hyungjun stands stiff as Jungmin comes closer. Bare feet sliding along the floor, his slippers kicked towards the closet.
Long fingers touch Hyungjun’s cheek, soon both hands are cupping them. Jungmin brings their foreheads together and takes a deep inhale. Hyungjun can still smell medicine from him but it’s only a hint now. It’s mostly detergent and soap he smells from the older man now. He lets his eyes slide shut as Jungmin’s lips run along his cheek, brushing the skin till they come to his ear. Nipping at the lobe and earning himself a soft exhale from Hyungjun. Jungmin wraps his arms around Hyungjun and the latter isn’t surprised to feel Jungmin’s legs come up around him shortly after. Hyungjun folds his arms under Jungmin’s rear and turns back into the living room.
Jungmin has become more affectionate than ever, locked away from the world as he is it doesn’t surprise Hyungjun. He can only hear and touch, those two things haven’t left him yet but Hyungjun is sure it’s only a matter of time. Jungmin may be outliving doctor’s expectations but he’s slowly degrading. Hyungjun can see how slow his movements are lately, how he sits lost at times. He’s fading, it’s a slow process but the Jungmin he knew is beginning to disappear.
He runs his fingers through black hair and kisses Jungmin’s forehead as they sit on the couch. Feeling fingers come up to his lips he nods his head. Soft notes falling from his lips against the elder’s ear. Rubbing small circles on Jungmin’s back ignoring how cool the other’s skin feels. Jungmin’s weight is easy to support, it’s almost like carrying a child.
“Jungmin-ah, are you hungry?” He can feel Jungmin nod against his cheek and stands with the other in his arms. Placing Jungmin down in a chair in the kitchen. Singing as he cooks so that Jungmin will know he’s not alone. As he promised Hyungjun won’t leave him. It’s been a little over a year now since Jungmin has left his apartment and Hyungjun still remains. Leaving only for necessities but always making sure not to take too long. Hyungjun knows how much Jungmin hates being alone.
He still recalls the day Jungmin awoke from a nap unable to see. Trying to scream but no sound coming out as he knocked over things in his bedroom. His foot still has a scar from stepping on the shards of a broken table lamp. Even then he hadn’t wanted to go to the hospital so Hyungjun’s haphazard stitching had to do. He’d been half afraid that Jungmin’s wound would become infected and that would be what killed him. Months later Jungmin was still breathing, only a mark on his foot that he often touched to remind him of that day.
Hyungjun wonders if Jungmin actually remembers things in sequence, if time really has any meaning to someone who’s perpetually in darkness. He tells Jungmin the days of the week, the date as often as he can but it doesn’t seem to matter to the other. All he does is sleep, eat, use the bathroom and crawl all over Hyungjun. He doesn’t even try walking to the front door of the apartment any more as if he’s given up on the idea that he’ll ever leave it.
When Hyungjun took him from the hospital, when Jungmin could still speak, he had told him he didn’t want to die there. He didn’t want to die in a sterile cage. Rotting away with other people. To Jungmin the hospital was the place that just said you’re going to die. A lonely, scary place where there was no Hyungjun to hold his hand. No family willing to visit, no friends, nothing but people paid to make him comfortable in his final moments. They didn’t care for him. Their might be the occasional fan changing his catheter and sucking her teeth at what a shame it was for one of her idols to end up this way. But there was no real love.
If the hospital was a cage then Jungmin’s apartment was a prison. One he had made for himself and Hyungjun. Even if he couldn’t see, he could still walk. Even if he couldn’t talk his body still moved but Jungmin would not leave the apartment. Hyungjun had tried when the waves of nausea became less frequent. When Jungmin was able to stand on his feet for more than an hour without his knees giving way. To him it seemed Jungmin was getting at least physically stronger while his mind was a different story.
He placed the soup down before Jungmin and sat back to watch the other search for the spoon. Moving forward only when Jungmin’s hand almost went into the hot bowl. He held it in his own two bringing it up to his lips to place kisses against the knuckles. Bringing a spoonful up to Jungmin’s waiting mouth as he kept one hand held in his own.
“Does it taste good?” Jungmin nods in response as he chews on the bits of vegetables mixed in with noodles. Hyungjun rarely gives him meat as that’s one of the things that still causes Jungmin to throw up. To make up for it he makes the other take iron and protein supplements. Hyungjun takes care of everything. He’s put his life on hold for Jungmin. No television appearances, ignoring offers for acting ventures, ignoring phone calls from Hyun Joong asking him why he’s wasting his life away. He hasn’t spoken to Young Saeng since the other’s emotional break down with the statement of why do you have to die too. The words echo in his head each day. Kyu Jong barely calls and when he does he never speaks about Jungmin. Instead he’ll tell Hyungjun about his day, about his future plans and laugh about old days. Hyungjun only answers phone calls from Kyu Jong now. He doesn’t even talk to his brother anymore unless Kibum calls about business.
His family thinks he’s wasting his life too. Kibum outright says it even though he can understand Hyungjun’s attachment for Jungmin but he doesn’t want his brother to suffer. His mother worries for both of them, for Hyungjun and Jungmin. She doesn’t want her son’s heart to shatter the way everyone knows it will when Jungmin finally does stop breathing. No one thinks he’ll live, Hyungjun is starting to agree with them as he watches Jungmin cough up the slightly orange tinged liquid that was the soup.
Hyungjun sighs, he figured two months of Jungmin not throwing up his food was too much of a blessing. He rubs Jungmin’s back as he refills the half empty bowl of soup.
“It’s all right.” But it’s not. Hyungjun doesn’t know what to do anymore. It’s as if some higher power is mocking him. Jungmin starts to get better and then he gets worse. It plays out like this over and over yet each time Hyungjun allows himself hope. To believe that Jungmin is coming back to him then it comes crashing down and the fragile creature is back. No hyperactive friend like he used to have in the past but a weak man that curls against him with a quivering body. Seeking warmth because his own body can’t produce heat like it used to.
Hyungjun will clean him up and press him still naked against his body. Wrapping a blanket around him as he sits up in Jungmin’s bed. Touching here and there gently but no longer attempting to make love to him like he used to. He doubts Jungmin can take it anymore. Even if he tried Jungmin would probably forget what they were doing. He’s losing him and each day starts to ingrain that message more and more in his head.
The phone rings, the phone calls have started again. Hyungjun sighs as he stares at the wall in front of him in the dark. Jungmin snoring against his chest as he’s curled up on his lap with only a blanket to cover his nudity. Hyungjun’s arm wrapped securely around his far too thin body and chin on top of his head. By the ring tone Hyungjun knows who’s calling. He’s too tired to ignore it this time. Kyu Jong’s jokes won’t help and it’s about time he sobers up to reality.
Carefully he reaches over to take the phone from the night stand. Sliding his finger along the screen to answer it and putting it to his ear. He’s greeted with a sigh of relief and the whispers of a familiar lazy voice. Hyungjun’s rubs his nose against black strands as reality speaks into his ear in soft yet harsh tones. Letting the other talk because he’s sure he won’t get a word in even if he tries to speak. Waiting till finally only the sound of breathing comes from the other end.
“I promised him. I can’t. I’m sorry hyung but I can’t.” With that he hangs up, staring at the phone and replaying the conversation. It rings again in his hand but this time he chooses not to answer. Instead he turns off the phone and puts it under the pillow behind him. Hyungjun’s not ready yet to face the truth.
Hyungjun wakes up with his arms empty and panics. The blankets are cold, Jungmin has been gone from the bed for a long time. Hyungjun quickly rises up racing out of the room expecting to find the other dead in a corner somewhere. It wouldn’t be the first time Jungmin took too many of his pills by accident. Hyungjun had forced him to puke them up in time the last time but this time he’s not sure. His worries are put elsewhere when he finds Jungmin sitting on the couch but he’s not alone.
Even with the male’s back to him Hyungjun knows who the other person is. He purposefully steps on one of the floor boards that tends to creak as he moves closer to the pair. Hyun Joong turns to face him, his hair almost as long as Jungmin’s tied only at the back while fringe frames his face. He looks good. Cheeks full and eyes focused, well as focused as Hyun Joong can be. There’s only a hint of stubble along his upper lip but it seems intentional.
“Sit down.” His voice still holds the same power it did when they were all in a dorm and he was there leader. Even so Hyungjun doesn’t do as he’s commanded to. He shakes his head and crosses his arms over his chest.
“What are you doing here?”
“Jungmin let me in.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“He needs to be in the hospital.”
“No.” Hyungjun only looks at Hyun Joong when he speaks. Jungmin has become part of the background. He steps closer and glares down at the older man. “Don’t come in here acting like you care now, hyung. You were the one ignoring him as if he stopped existing the moment he was diagnosed. I’ve been the one here for the three years he’s been suffering. I was the one going back and forth from the hospital, home and work. Killing myself just so he would know that he wasn’t alone. Where the fuck were you? Doing television shows and creating scandals. You still haven’t changed. People are just a means to success to you. You use them till they become a burden!” Hyungjun didn’t see the way Jungmin flinched at the last word.
“So you think you’re doing the right thing? You think this is what he wants? For everyone’s life to stop because he’s dying? That’s what Jungmin is going to remember.” Hyun Joong stands up so they’re eye to eye now. Jungmin puts his feet up on the couch and lowers his head onto raised knees.
“What do you know about caring for someone? What was that girl’s name… ah it’s impossible to know since you go through them so fast. You don’t know how to love anybody. You don’t know what it’s like to take care of someone when they need you.”
“But you’re not giving him what he needs. If you’d take him to the hospital they could…”
“And let him go through that pain again?! You weren’t there! You didn’t see him going crazy in that hospital! You didn’t see what the chemo did to him! Just look at how thin he is now, this is after I helped him gain weight. What did you do, hyung? Huh?” Hyunjun places his hands against Hyun Joong’s chest, shoving back till the elder falls back on the couch. “What happened to together forever five as one? You ignored my calls in the beginning. Didn’t answer anyone! Do you think I want to watch someone I love dying all alone? I’m so fucking scared and all you can do is tell me what I’m doing wrong! Jungmin is going to die and I can’t do anything but watch!”
The tears are falling down his cheeks before he can control it. Breaking his promise not to cry again as he lets himself flop down onto the floor. Pressing his hands to his face expecting Hyun Joong to give some biting retort but he gets none. They sit in silence for some time.
“I asked him if he wants to go the hospital already.” Hyungjun raises his head slowly to look at Hyun Joong. “He nodded.” Only now does Hyungjun notice that Jungmin is fully dressed and not just in pajamas as it’s been for the last year. In actual clothes. All of it too loose on him when it once hugged his body. Jungmin keeps his head lowered as Hyun Joong stands to get their shoes from the foyer.
“Minnie…” Hyungjun crawls over to the other trying to take one of his hands but Jungmin keeps it close to his body. “Please, I can keep my promise.” Jungmin shakes his head no and slowly raises his head to look at the other. Hyungjun is shocked to see the tears on Jungmin’s face but he doesn’t have time to question them as Hyun Joong shoves him aside. Hyungjun remains on the floor just watching as Hyun Joong puts Jungmin’s shoes on. Zipping up the boots on the side after making sure Jungmin’s pants were properly tucked into them. He even helps the younger man onto his feet and puts his coat on him.
They leave without a word to him. Hyungjun sits on the floor long enough for his legs to go numb and it’s only the ringing of the door bell that moves him. Jumping to his feet he runs over to it and throws the door open without looking through the peep hole. Dreams of Jungmin changing his mind half way to the hospital dashed as Kibum stares back at him.
“Mom wants you to come home.” Hyungjun nods and steps aside to let Kibum in. He watches his younger brother frown as he moves around the apartment. Light bulbs needed to be replaced, floors swept and laundry picked up and washed but Hyungjun had neglected all of that. He’d much rather have spent his days cuddled up to Jungmin who barely felt the touch anymore. Feeding Jungmin, bathing Jungmin and singing to Jungmin.
Kibum moves over to the rabbits in their cage putting a hand against it. They’re well fed and the cage is clean. Jungmin would have had a fit if Hyungjun neglected them. Kibum turns to look at Hyungjun.
“We should probably take them with us.” Hyungjun nods; they go about collecting some of his clothes. Hyungjun sneaks a few of Jungmin’s things into his bags. A false hope that eventually the other will come look for him. Kibum carries the rabbit cage as they head down to his waiting car. Hyungjun tossing his luggage into the trunk while Kibum settles the rabbits on the back seat.
It’s the first time he’s gone outside while the sun was still out in a long time. Hyungjun takes a deep inhale of the clean air and looks around. His eyes falling back to the building that’s suffocated him and Jungmin for so long. Kibum’s hand comes down heavy on his back but in Kibum’s world it’s a tender touch.
“Choco missed you.” Hyungjun knows that means Kibum missed him but nods anyway. He gets into the passenger’s seat and leans back, letting his eyes slide shut. The radio plays quiet tunes between them as Kibum drives. He goes right into his room when they get home bypassing his mother and Choco jumping around his legs. Dropping down onto the bed and praying he’ll wake up in a room that smells of medicine and sweat. With his arms full of the source and black hair tickling the stubble against his chin.
He doesn’t. It’s his mother sitting on the edge of his bed crying that wakes him in the morning. Hyungjun has no words to comfort her. He’s giving away too many of them to Jungmin to know what to say to her now. Instead he just sits up and holds her. Lightly patting her back as he lets her wet his shirt. Take away the scent of Jungmin that still clings to it.
They don’t speak about his absence at home, his sudden hiatus in the music business or any of it for a few weeks. Hyungjun is trying hard to adjust to being back at home but he can’t. He tried to visit Jungmin in the hospital after Kyu Jong accidentally slipped up and told him where the other was. Every time he’s been refused. Jungmin refuses to see him. He’s the only person Jungmin won’t see. Hyungjun can’t take it and eventually breaks down and begs Kibum to go. Hyungjun is forced to promise he’ll speak with his manager about resuming activities in exchange.
He fears the worst as he sits waiting outside of the hospital. Biting his nails and contemplating trying to just con his way into Jungmin’s hospital room. Kibum’s been gone for an hour. He doesn’t know why it’s taking so long. Jungmin must be dead. He’s gone. He wasn’t even there to hold his hand. Hyungjun steps out of the car and starts pacing around it. An hour later Kibum finally appears.
“What happened?” Hyungjun doesn’t like the grim expression on Kibum’s face. His brother is known for playing cruel pranks but this would be too far for even Kibum wouldn’t it?
“They’re going to operate on him next week. He’s being discharged till the scheduled operation date.” Kibum steps aside and Hyungjun looks behind him, Jungmin stands at the exit of the hospital holding onto a nurse’s arm. “He wants to stay with us till then.” Kibum shrugs and gets into the car knowing that Hyungjun is no longer listening to him.
The few weeks apart have changed Jungmin more than he expected. The other’s skin has a healthy flush to it. His lips don’t look as pale as they did in the confines of his bedroom. His grip is even a bit stronger on Hyungjun’s arm when he’s finally close enough for Jungmin to grab him. The nurse looks between the two of them then heads back inside. Hyungjun pulls Jungmin against his body holding him close to his chest. He can feel the other breathing against him and buries his face in Jungmin’s hair. It smells like cheap shampoo but it’s enough to comfort Hyungjun.
Hyungjun pulls back to place kisses on Jungmin’s cheeks not stopping even when Jungmin pushes him away. Kibum honks the horn and Hyungjun chuckles. He couldn’t even handle three weeks without Jungmin. If it’s like that how can he handle a life without him? Hyungjun already knows that he can’t so he keeps hoping that the next time he has to come to the hospital for Jungmin it’ll be the last time. It’ll be with doctors patting Jungmin on the back and telling him to live a full life. Of the years he has ahead of him. Years that Hyungjun will fill with the romantic trips he’s wanted to take but was always too afraid of Jungmin making fun of him for suggesting them. He’s not going to be afraid. He’ll take Jungmin on a cruise, a Paris dinner, a walk on the beach during sunset and sunrise because they’ll end up waking there after rolling around in the sand together.
Hyungjun wants to do all those things with Jungmin and he’s sure he will. As he sits in the back seat holding Jungmin he dreams of all the places he’ll take him. Of all the memories they’ll make together. Pushing away that negative part of him that says they’re only dreams. That when Jungmin comes to the hospital again it’ll be the last time they see each other.
Kibum drops them off at Jungmin’s apartment knowing without Hyungjun even having to say it that he wants to be alone with Jungmin. They wouldn’t be able to get that at their house. Hyungjun’s mother would fuss even more over Jungmin than Hyungjun does. He gets it from somewhere after all.
With a nod of his head to his brother Kibum drives away. Hyungjun takes Jungmin’s hand and guides him into the building. The door barely closes behind them when Jungmin turns and pushes him against the floor. Straddling Hyungjun’s hips as he forces the other’s arms above his head. Holding down Hyungjun’s wrists as he captures his lips hungrily. Not pulling away till the need to breathe presents itself.
Jungmin nibbles on Hyungjun’s neck as the other groans under him. He drags kisses along his skin as he releases one wrist to pull up Hyungjun’s shirt. It’s almost like it was in the past. Hyungjun wants so badly to grab at Jungmin and flip him over, take him right there on the floor but he wants to see how far Jungmin will take things. If he really has the strength to handle him as roughly as he did in the past.
His breath hitches as Jungmin moves down to intentionally press his weight down on Hyungjun’s groin. Thrusting his hips up as if he can get past Jungmin’s pants and underwear if he pushes hard enough. He’s rewarded with Jungmin grinding down against him as the older male leans back to remove his shirt. Tossing it aside as Hyungjun’s free hands come up to touch him but Jungmin bats them away. Hyungjun’s eyes going wide as he looks at Jungmin.
“Minnie…” Jungmin doesn’t seem to want him to speak either as his lips once again collide with Hyungjun’s mouth. Hand fumbling between them till it comes into Hyungjun’s pants. He groans into Jungmin’s mouth as slender fingers wrap around his hardness. His finger tips just barely manage to touch Jungmin’s scalp when the hand is slammed down onto the floor.
Jungmin makes light work of Hyungjun’s clothes, shoving away hands any time they try to help him. Hyungjun is reminded of quickies backstage and nights of trying to be quiet in the dorms. Of when they shared a room and Jungmin would try to see how loud he could get Hyungjun to be. It’s as if nothing has changed between them. Like they’ve gone back to those days when holding Jungmin didn’t mean fearing hurting him.
Hyungjun can’t manage to hold onto his thoughts when Jungmin’s mouth comes around throbbing flesh. His hips don’t get the chance to raise off the floor as Jungmin’s hands hold him down. He feels one move off his body but doesn’t bother to watch for where it goes too focused on what Jungmin’s mouth is doing to him. Swallowing him whole without issue like he used to do. Hyungjun is ready to explode already but Jungmin still knows his body well as he pulls away. Licking his swollen lips as he climbs back up over Hyungjun’s lap.
Hyungjun barely manages to keep from flailing as the tight heat of Jungmin’s body encompasses him. Moving his hands down to bony hips and sighing in relief as they’re allowed to stay. Unable to take his eyes of Jungmin’s pleased expression. Watching the other move up and down slowly on his body. It’s not enough and too much all at once.
Hyungjun can only gasp and stare into the eyes that lock on his. Jungmin’s swallowing him with his gaze just as much as with his body. He groans and thrusts his hips up. Planting his feet on the floor for leverage as Jungmin meets the motion. Hips colliding against one another as they go at it on the floor like crazed animals.
Neither can remember how they went from nearby the door to the back of the couch. Hyungjun’s back is red and slick from sliding along the floor and Jungmin looks beyond happy. They both laugh breathlessly and refuse to part despite the cooling of sweat and stickiness that taints their skin.
Hyungjun grabs a blanket off the back of the couch and lays it over them as Jungmin makes himself comfortable on his chest. Sleeping there and waking later to do it all over again. They eat, fuck and sleep for the entire week Jungmin is out of the hospital. Hyungjun refuses to get up the day of his surgery. Staying curled in bed and clinging to Jungmin’s naked body.
Placing kisses on bony shoulders as loud knocks echo in the apartment. He won’t answer the door and though Jungmin hears it he won’t move either. The banging becomes louder and Hyungjun nuzzles the back of Jungmin’s head. Burying his nose in hair that smells of their passion. Grinning into it as he sits up to roll Jungmin over. Moving over the other and leaning down to press his lips to his.
“No time for that, he needs to go.” Hyun Joong doesn’t even look at the pair as he picks up clothes from the floor. It doesn’t matter what belongs to who as long as Jungmin is leaving the apartment wearing something.
Like the last time Hyungjun only watches them go. Sitting himself at the couch as Hyun Joong crouches down in front of Jungmin to tie the laces of his boots. Pulling a jacket on the other even though a summer breeze comes into the apartment.
Jungmin turns to look in Hyungjun’s direction and though Hyungjun knows he can’t see it he smiles. Jungmin smiles back and for a moment Hyungjun thinks everything will be all right. Jungmin will be operated on today and tomorrow he’ll be speaking. He’ll want Hyungjun to be the first person he talks to. The first person he sees when the pressure on his brain goes away and all his functions return.
They’ll smile like idiots and try to make love on a hospital bed while Hyun Joong and Kibum try not to puke. It’ll be beautiful. Jungmin nods his head and moves out the door with Hyun Joong. Even blind his eyes can still say so many things to Hyungjun. He stands and starts to clean the apartment pretending not to have seen the fear in Jungmin’s eyes.
No one will tell him hours later how the surgery went. Hyun Joong avoids his calls, Kibum’s phone is off and he’s not desperate enough to try the others yet. He flops down onto Jungmin’s bed, having made it sixteen times in the last hour. Mussing up his hair and looking around.
He can’t take it anymore. Hyungjun grabs his jacket off the couch and heads to the front door. Sliding his feet into worn in sneakers as he yanks the front door open but stops dead in his tracks. Hyun Joong stares at him, his face it’s usual unreadable mask.
“Who’s at the hospital with him?” Hyun Joong doesn’t reply and just turns to walk away. Hyungjun doesn’t like how fast the other is walking. Something is wrong but he can’t bring himself to voice the question. Can’t bring himself to ask why Jungmin was left alone at the hospital because he knows Hyun Joong wouldn’t call anyone else to be with him.
He gulps down his nervousness and fear as he follows the silent male. Jacket clutched in his hand as he climbs down the stairs. It’s really too warm for a jacket. He tosses it into the back seat of Hyun Joong’s car after the other unlocks the door and slides into the passenger’s seat.
So many things he wants to ask but the possible answers leave his hands shaking. They’re not driving to the hospital. Hyungjun has been there so many times that he knows Hyun Joong was supposed to make a right when he took a left. It only makes him more nervous. They pull up to a drive through and Hyungjun can only stare at the other.
“I’m hungry.” Hyungjun holds in the urge to punch Hyun Joong as the male leans over to order himself some food. Hyungjun grips his pant legs and just waits. Relieved when the car starts up again and ignoring Hyungjun’s offer of some fries.
They finally arrive at the hospital and Hyungjun all but runs out of the car. Forced to wait for Hyun Joong who knows where they’re head as he taps his feet on the floor. He grabs the older male’s arm as soon as he comes in.
Jungmin must be all right. Hyun Joong wouldn’t have stopped for food if something went wrong. Once Hyun Joong tells him the room number he’s off again. Sliding open the door to Jungmin’s room, shocked to see Kyu Jong and Young Saeng already there.
“Five as one right?” Hyun Joong smiles as he moves past him into the room. Hyungjun can only nod as he moves towards the bed where Jungmin is sitting up. Bandages around his head and an IV in his arm but he doesn’t look bad for someone who just had their skull open. Jungmin gestures with one hand for the others to leave.
“Sorry.” Young Saeng mutters the words as he moves past Hyungjun. Kyu Jong echoing the same until all three are gone. Hyungjun turns his attention to Jungmin and moves over to the bed holding the older male’s hand. Jungmin opens his mouth and Hyungjun leans closer expecting sweet things to fall from lips that haven’t said anything in so long. Jungmin coughs into his hand and pulls Hyungjun a little closer. Lips brushing against Hyungjun’s ear as he attempts to speak.
“You smell.” The words are barely a whisper but Hyungjun understands them clearly. The smile on his face falters and he moves back to look at Jungmin. Tears wlling up in his eyes as he wraps his arms around the other.
“I love you too.” He’s sobbing against Jungmin’s shoulder as the other wrinkles his nose. Trying to express that Hyungjun really does smell but his voice can’t be heard over the crying so he gives up. Sitting there and letting Hyungjun hold him as he knows the other needs to.
Visiting hours in Jungmin’s room are loud. Hyungjun’s voice above all the others as he tells them about how cute Jungmin was all those days they were alone. How they’re all going to be on stage together once Jungmin can do more than sneer and hiss at them. Everything is turning out all right. Jungmin is in recovery and they’re all together again.
When Hyungjun leaves the hospital he smiles knowing he’ll never have to come back to this place. Once Jungmin is discharged he’ll never have to come back. Jungmin is never discharged. Hyungjun never comes back.
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no subject
Date: 2011-02-13 09:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-13 09:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-14 02:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-15 05:04 pm (UTC)Me~ xDDD I want a sequel, please. With a happy and cute ending :3 xDDD
PD: I'm a little bit confused with the ending, I have to say.
Did he died? He didn't? I'm confused~!
(Sorry *embarrased*. English isn't my first languaje so even now that I can "speak it" I get a little bit confused while I'm reading @@)
no subject
Date: 2011-02-15 05:08 pm (UTC)I've already started working on one but not sure when I will post it. Have a lot of assignments due this week.
It's okay. I left the ending pretty vague but yes he did die. Jungmin was never discharged because he died after Hyungjun left so Hyungjun never came back to the hospital either. There was no reason to since Jungmin was dead.
no subject
Date: 2011-02-15 05:21 pm (UTC)I was thinking that but... you know, I had hopes that I was just confused and didn't understand well what you wrote *sob*
Oh, don't worry about it. Post it when you had time, ok? We'll wait for it :3
Good luck~
no subject
Date: 2011-02-16 10:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-16 11:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-04-19 10:09 am (UTC)*sobsobsob*
It's such a beautifully written story but!<3
no subject
Date: 2011-12-05 04:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-12 08:48 am (UTC)noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo......
why everyone here loves to kill JM? T__T
it was so very beautiful.... and the last line killed me "Jungmin is never discharged. Hyungjun never comes back." T__T
anyhow the story was awesome... gave me some idea about some similar but somehow different story!